completly drained

i should have been doing college work tonight, i should have been doing it all weekend. but i ended up sleeping and watching tv. i needed it though. i have been doing so much work recently it is unreal. thats why i havent posted in ages :(

college is so stressful, and i only have one whole week left!!! its scary, everything has to be in, and i dont have some assignments back yet!!! so worried. it has turned me into a wreak this past month. ill, spotty, weight going up and down, fatigued :( everything related to stress. i need sleep right now. should be doing work. urgh.

one good thing though!! work experience starts the week after!!! eee excited and scared much!! i didnt get the stables placement however! :( :( really disappointed, but i have a place at a kennels :D hope its good. next year i want something more what i want to do in my life, like a conservation centre or a zoo <3 me and my friend sfrom college are hoping to go to africa next summer to do conservation work!!! <3 i hope we do, it is want i want in my life. but i cant see it happening tbh. hmm

cadets is being mental. two camps in a row staring next weekend!! eshk. i will die. the first one is a field craft one so i get to play army!! haha, buuuut i am with some who i dislike very much!! cant win haha. next one is a teaching course, should be fun :) news i might not have already said, but i am a full PI now!!! ARGHHHH hahaha sooo happy. i get to teach, i get to talk to people, i get paid!!! love it.

still no luck on the romantic side of my life... even though some people think i do!!!!! right, someone who i thought was a nice guy stared a rumour abut me telling adults and CADETS!!! that i had lost my virginity to an other adult. but thats not true. i am still a virgin, and proud. i cant believe he told cadets. you're not allowed to talk to cadets about sex and sexual relationships!!! ive had quite a few lad cadets who want to get with me, come up to me and ask if it true!!!! they shouldnt do that!!!! its not right. two of them was sad and angry when they heard!!!! why do people want my virginity so  much!!!!!! it makes me angry. its a breach of my privacy and its sick. really cant be doing with it, and i am seeing him on camp next weekend too. i dont know what to do...

rant over. haha!!

anywho, best get some sleep as i am going into college tomorrow :( i dont usually :( hmm. nightttt love you. <3

narhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

majorly fed up now!! just got back from cadets in a crappy mood. urgh. i dont really know why. i had a laugh and everything as usual, but the end was just horrible. watching couples hugging and that, or others flirting. and i had nothing. made me feel like crap. i am proud of being single, but i do get lonely every now and then :/ even though i am lonely, i never change that fact... because i cant. my head and heart wont let me.... so messed up.

did more or less fuck all today. i hate my self for it. i need to do my assignments before i kill my self, become to stressed, or kill someone!! urgh. hello depression.

its a clear night tonight and the stars are shining bright. i look up. i am so small, insignificant.

night world. <3

great day

today has been so good. i actually went out and had fun haha. i went to the cinema with jess from college. we went to watch war horse and omg!!!! it is undoubtedly the best film i have ever seen!! it is so amazing, and surprisingly as good as the book. usually film from books are never the same, and never as good. but this time they were more r less spot on!!! i have never cried so much at a film as well!! so emotional. not only as the human loss and deaths, but the horses. me and jess are huge animal lovers, and both love horses, so this film was so good for us. more so for me though, as i not only have an animal background, but an army one too. and the film was set in ww1. doubly emotional haha!!!

nothing else to talk about really. train journeys and medowhall themselves wenrt actually that bad... still usually over run by girls trying to be older than they are and the usually annoying pretty boys. buuuuut there were some lads that were beautiful, and that looked at me to say oo shes nice. haha!! i love it. they were really cool and trendy, and my type too!! :D made me soo happy.

good day today :) night world, back to work tomorrow <3

morning!!

well it isnt, am off to bed in an hour, but its the only time today that i have felt fully awake haha. jam packed weekend!!! highlights:
stray dog
chilwell again
paperwork madness
cute cadets
slightly drunk
early start
cold
no where to go
wasting time
cold
being told i look younger than i am
stress
beautiful shower
lots of laughs
wanting to be a cadet again
drunk
squeeky bed
whittney houston dead
stress
pain
photographer
wanting to be a cadet again
stress
laughs
falling for him again
sleep
missing people

crazy crazy days!!! love it, and in less then three weeks time, am back on camp, and same the weekend after. i actually think i will die. half term no however, and my relaxing day is done. back to college work tomorrow. but first the dentist, on valentines day! yes!! well am single, so it alright, and my dentist is beautiful, which just makes it so much better. i'm always single of valentines day, and it will take a very special person to change that, or i will have to sort my head out haha.

anywho, talk more tomorrow. love!! xx

holy moley!!

i had my interview and medical todayyyy eee!!! i was surprisingly not nervous, i was just abit embarrassed haha. some of the questions for the medical were ridiculous!! do you have pile? ...no do you have trouble passing urine? ... no! haha so horrible haha. the interview was good though, i could feel my self going red through out it though. i blush so easily.

a little bit of a sigh of relief in college life today :) handed in an assignment earlier, same last week, got my referral back as a distinction :) happy days. still some stress though, its unavoidable. but andy is back!!! <3 he is too cute for his own good haha.

major annoyance with my bestfriend gemma though at cadets... we had an amazingly fun night yesterday, but now she is being a bit of a tit with me. her mood swings are ridiculous!! i can hardly hack it. one minuet she is verbily hating on her boyfriend on facebook, the next she is fine, but dosent want to talk about it!... i dont get it. she will be a nightmare tomorrow night!! she is such an angry person it is unreal haha. and her relationships are ridiculous too!! she is the man in the relationship for sure!!

even though i ha fun on tuesday evening, the afternoon wasnt as good :/ i had to try so hard from bursting into tears on the bus ride home!! but when i did get home, it all flooded out. i havnt cried like that in awhile. it was quite painful and its the crying where you feel tired afterwards haha. i was upset for two reasons, and they happened quite literately after each other. the first one was that of my new college friends finding out that i was a 19 year old virgin. i know i shouldnt really be upset about it because i am not ashamed. am proud more than anything. but its just that hannah who asked me, is younger than me has slept with around 10 people and is not ashamed, and is very vocal about it. my friends always talk about sex, at least once a day. and i just never join in those conversations. i am actually surprised i had kept it a secrete this long haha. she only asked me because i made it quite abvious by excusing my self from a conservation about embarrising sex moments. when i came back from the loo she asked me. i know she asked jess if she knew if i was. i still dont know why i was that upset about it. i was just embarrassed i guess, and i dont want loads of people knowing, because every at cadets knows haha!!! aaaand that lad who want to get with me. thats for a different post though :P haha. and the second thing is just tha a got an assignment back that i had worked really hard on, and i got it all completely wrong... but i know what i am doing now so its okaaay :)

cadet camp this weekend... fun. TIRED!!!!!!

nightynight <3

snowsnowsnowsnow

at last we have snow!!! it's not much though unfortunately :( so it will be gone by tomorrow. i'm a bi indifferent when it comes to snow, i do like it as it is pretty, but i hate the cold and wet, and it just makes people stupid. and driving is terrible too. i was at my grandad's this weekend and when he was driving back, we were on a bit of road that had not been gritted and we slid turning a corner!! thats why i hate driving!! i was so scared!! and it has just made my fear of driving even worse. oh god!

i do love going to my gran's and grandad's though!! they live in shuttlewood in Derbyshire which is beautiful!!aaand they have the most beautiful dogs in the world! bugsie Malone, molly Malone and Della <3 they are all standard wire haired dachshunds.

major stress with my bestfriend gemma!!! as said before, she was quitting for definite... turns out not!! (again) i really do give up with her! she changes her mind more than i change my bloody under wear!!!!! its rediculous to be honest! and now she says she has a plan of what she is going to do, but it will never work, and when it doesnt she'll get pissy and unbearable!!

camp next weekend!!! yay buuuuuuuuttt i have my interview and medical this coming wednesday eek. however after that i will be a full PI finally!!

nothing else to talk about today, just that college is killing me slowly :(
till the next time <3

my eyes hurt...

so so so tired. i have done so much work today, finished one assignment, and now half way through another... i have too much work to do it is unreal. wednesday nights usually are relaxed and nice, but not today :( i have nearly finished an assignment though which is good haha

i really hope this month goes slow, it more than likely wont, ifs the shortest month in the year ironically haha.

i did get to have some down time tonight though, i watched natural word: tiger dynasty, which was amazing!!! i was crying my eyes out by the end of it because it was so sad and hear breaking :( humans are so horrible to animals, especially to endangered tigers :(

i hope tomorrow is good, but i highly doubt it. my ecology teacher hasn't been here for two weeks, and we still need assignments back, and have two still two be given and do... i am really scared that i wont pass the course :(

cadet news- my best friend who is one of the highest ranks and still has a year left, is deciding (again) that she is quitting!!! she makes me so angry. cadets needs her, she is just so stubborn, and she expects too much, and when she doesnt get is, she kicks off. this is like the 10th time she has said she is leaving, but i think this one is definite. she wont let me talk her out of it this time... i'm really good at doing that haha, am good at giving advice, i love it!! 

right! nightnight world!! peace out <3